Grad School ~ Courage & Multiple Priorities
Please tell us about a time when you had to be courageous, as well as a time when you have juggled multiple priorities in your life and how you handled that.
On April 4, 2019, I finally summoned the courage to tell my husband I had to leave him. For the sake of our two children, I had spent over a decade trying to work out the inequities in our marriage, but on that morning I realized that while the marriage wasn’t ever going to change, I had and I deserved better.
I was 43 years old. I had never lived on my own, as I moved from my childhood home full of kids to a dorm room full of students to my husband’s apartment right after college. Luckily, my sister offered me and my kids the in-law suite in her house until I could afford my own place. I lived with her for five months while I struggled to emotionally and financially support my children as we navigated the impact of the separation and I untangled my life with my ex. He is a good father and there was never a question of us sharing custody equally. I have found more equality in our divorce than in our marriage.
Though that first year was a busy, difficult blur, I never wavered from my decision that my family would be better off apart than together. I began the difficult path of divorce and rebuilding my life. I could only hope that this would be the solution to the undercurrent of unhappiness and depression I lived with. Four years later I can say it was. I have a postcard that reads, “She started to live the life she always imagined,” and I am.
At the end of 2019, I found a beautiful one-bedroom apartment overlooking the Hudson River. My sister loaned me the security deposit and first month's rent. As much as I was proud of and fulfilled by my thriving HR consultancy practice (where I helped clients “make work work better”), I decided to look for a full-time job, because I missed being part of a company and supporting employees as their full-time Human Resources leader.
On March 12, 2020, both my 44th birthday and the day the pandemic lockdown began, I received a job offer. No one knew how long the lockdown would last and the next couple years were relentless, but by the end of them I was out of debt, I had paid back my sister, and I was able to focus on myself, my kids and my full-time job. Feeling optimistic, I even put myself on the waiting list for a 2-bedroom apartment in my building, so my children and I could spread out in our new life.
At long last at the end of 2021, my divorce became final. Here is a note I wrote to my family and friends:
#divorced. Happily married at 25 and happily divorced at 45. Ultimately, I am so proud of how I showed up in the marriage and how I managed the separation, prolonged divorce and rebuilding of my life.
Now I get to start 2022 legally single and free. I feel a level of excitement for my future that is more profound than any other moment in my life.
It hasn’t been easy or comfortable or pain-free, but it has been worth it to get to today.
The greatest gifts of our marriage are our two incredible kids. I hope I raise them to know they are strong and resilient and deserve love and equality in their marriages, at work and in all facets of their lives.
So peace out 2021, and welcome 2022 – whatever you’ve got I can get through, all while maintaining a smile, rocking lipstick under my mask and sporting red pants on Zoom.
I left a post-it note for myself on my desk that read “What if it all works out?” A few days later I found one next to it from my daughter Bella that said, “I know it will.” I know it will too, Bella.
2022 was full of joy, growth and wild adventures. It wasn’t all easy. It was the year I was finally able to address and find peace with my experience of childhood sexual abuse, where I started addressing a long-standing eating disorder, and where I more deeply addressed living with OCD and anxiety. But it was also the year I formed the profound and rewarding habits of being kinder to myself, rooting for myself and loving myself. I’m grateful for a year when the fruits of my hard work on myself and my life became apparent through deep, loving and fun relationships with my kids, a rewarding career and a promotion to Vice President, and family and friends who I am there for and who are there for me. Plus lots of rejuvenating solo trips to Costa Rica, where this middle-aged lady learned a new passion: surfing!
This April marked the four year anniversary of my decision to leave my marriage. I felt tremendous pride and joy at having graduated from that experience ready for my next big adventure. It cannot be a coincidence that it was also the week that I was inspired to go to grad school to become a licensed therapist to help other individuals navigate their lives.
I have always juggled multiple priorities, whether it was as a child juggling my many siblings in a chaotic household, as a teen juggling school work and working 1-5 jobs at a time, in my twenties as a project manager juggling 2000+ marketing projects a year, in my thirties juggling being a new mom with a full-time job and long commute, or in my forties juggling part-time custody with a full-time job and lots of hobbies. Never was my skill at multi-tasking more crucial than the year after I left my husband, but I always thrive when I’m busy giving multiple tasks, projects and people my attention and care – it is a big part of what makes my life complete and rewarding.
I welcome the opportunity to fold grad school into the mix, and I’m hungry for the wealth of knowledge I will gain and new relationships I will form. My mother recently said to me, “I think by now you know you can count on yourself!” Yes, I can. What a gift to know your best years are ahead of you.